Fathers, grandfathers, pastors, and pundits have a way of making manhood sound complicated. It isn’t. Our culture has made it seem that way, but the basic task of becoming a man is surprisingly simple.
Today masculinity is treated as a problem to be solved rather than a virtue to be cultivated. Young men are surrounded by confusion. Many have grown up without an engaged father. The United States has one of the highest rates of father absence in the developed world. Public conversations swing between caricatures—”toxic masculinity” on one side and the exaggerated bravado of the online manosphere on the other. Neither extreme tells us what healthy manhood looks like.
The answer is far less complicated. To become a man is to stop acting like a child.
You do not need a degree in developmental psychology to recognize infantile behavior. Children avoid responsibility. They depend on others to meet every need. They demand immediate gratification. They become frustrated easily. Their emotions rule their decisions. They resist authority and naturally view the world through the lens of self.
That is exactly how children are supposed to behave. It is not how men should behave.
Manhood is not a mysterious ideal reserved for heroes. It is the ordinary work of maturity. It means taking responsibility, mastering yourself, considering others, and living for something larger than yourself.
The path can be summarized in four words:
Discipline. Self-control. Empathy. Calling.
Everything else builds upon these. Fathers and grandfathers need to model and speak clearly to these basics. Our sons need our example.
1. A Man Lives with Discipline.
Every worthwhile life begins with ordinary habits.
Discipline starts with making your bed, brushing your teeth, and arriving on time. It means completing the task before you complain about it. It means being dependable when no one is watching.
Discipline also extends to the appetites. It means resisting drunkenness and gluttony. It means exercising restraint in your speech. It means becoming known as a man whose word can be trusted.
Great character is rarely built through dramatic moments. It is built through thousands of small acts of faithfulness.
The little things become the big things and collectively they become your reputation.
2. A Man Exercises Self-Control.
Discipline orders your habits.
Self-control orders your desires.
Every man will experience disappointment, frustration, temptation, and failure. Maturity is revealed not by avoiding these moments but by responding well to them.
A mature man does not allow his emotions to govern his behavior. His emotions are real, but they are governed by character and virtue.
Two struggles repeatedly define the moral life of men: lust and anger. It is no accident that Jesus addresses them at the beginning of the Sermon on the Mount. Every man is created with strong desires and an assertive nature. Left unchecked, those strengths become destructive.
The question is not whether you possess powerful passions.
The question is whether your passions possess you.
3. A Man Learns Empathy.
Many men assume empathy is something you either have or you don’t.
It isn’t.
Empathy and emotional intelligence are learned skills.
They grow through greater self-awareness, greater awareness of others, and wiser responses in relationships.
The first step is learning to recognize your own emotions. Many men can identify that they are angry or frustrated but never stop to ask, Why? What triggered this? What fear or disappointment lies underneath? Emotional regulation begins with emotional recognition.
The second step is learning to listen.
Most conversations are competitions for airtime. Empathy listens to understand before responding. It lets the other person finish speaking. It resists the urge to solve every problem immediately. It reflects back what has been heard before offering advice.
These habits strengthen marriages, friendships, workplaces, and leadership.
Research even suggests that reading great fictional literature develops empathy because it teaches us to inhabit another person’s world. The more we understand others, the more wisely we respond to them.
Like every virtue, empathy grows through practice.
Our habits eventually become our character.
4. A Man Gives Himself to a Higher Calling.
A mature man does not live merely for comfort, entertainment, or self-expression.
He serves something greater than himself.
In the Marine Corps, that often means risking your life for the Marine beside you. The mission is bigger than the individual.
Life works the same way.
Without a higher purpose, men drift toward distraction. Video games, endless entertainment, pornography, status, and comfort become substitutes for significance.
Every man has a calling, whether he has recognized it or not. Your abilities, experiences, convictions, and opportunities point toward a unique form of service.
No man becomes truly great by serving himself.
Great men serve great causes.
A man without a calling is like a car without an engine. It may look impressive, but it lacks the power to move forward.
Grow Up
We live in a culture that celebrates prolonged adolescence. It excuses irresponsibility and rewards self-absorption. The result is not freedom but arrested development.
Scripture puts it simply: “When I became a man, I gave up childish ways.” And he did so in service of love.
That remains the challenge for every generation.
Put aside childish things.
Practice discipline.
Master your passions.
Learn empathy.
Commit yourself to a calling worthy of your life.
Start with the small, seemingly insignificant habits. Guard your eyes and your tongue. Ask the second and third question before reacting. Pay attention to how other people are experiencing the world. Develop a vision that gives purpose to your ordinary days.
The reward for becoming a man is not wealth, status, or applause.
The reward is becoming the kind of man others can trust. The reward is being a man.
That is enough.
David John Seel, Jr. is a writer, educator, and cultural strategist. He is a principal strategist at The Reframe. He is the author of eight books including Aspirational Masculinity: On Making Men Whole. He has a B.A. in business, history, and philosophy from Austin College, an M.Div. from Covenant Theological Seminary, and a doctorate in American Studies from the University of Maryland (College Park). He and his wife, Kathryn, live in Wilmington, North Carolina where they attend Christ Community Church. They have three grown children and five grandchildren.
Books by Dr. John Seel, Jr.
0 Comments