Well, I wish I could tell you that it is getting easier, but it’s not. The reality of our situation is definitely more concrete in my mind, but the manner in which I handle it isn’t changing. A few days ago, for the first time, Peg said something about the Care Centre that she is in. One day she asked me who’s house it was. I told her that it was run by NorthWood, a Nova Scotia Health Services institution that Peg actually worked for, for twelve years. Peg didn’t ask me any additional questions on that one, so I did not volunteer any additional information. The second instance, when I had asked Peg if there was anything that I could do for her, she said to me, “I want to go home.” The Lord knows I wanted to take her home. But I was also acutely aware that I just could not do it anymore. You don’t realize the amount of work involved, until you see other people doing it for her. They help her dress, they assist her going to the bathroom, they clean her bathroom and her room, they make her bed for her, put clean sheets and pillow cases on her bed, they collect her laundry, wash it and dry it, and return it to her closet or drawers, they ensure that she is kept clean with daily washing and infrequent showers, they change her disposables, they give her meds twice a day, they prepare and serve her meals for her, they check on her at least hourly, and they ensure that her vitals are monitored daily. In my particular case, when I was taking care of Peg, I also had to take care of myself, and ensure the household needs were met, by doing the laundry, cleaning, grocery shopping and meal preparations, do the banking and ensure the car requirements were met, etc. Bear in mind that Peg is 80 and I am 81.
Peg has fallen to the floor twice since the 26th of June, when she first became a resident here. Both times they found her sitting on the floor in her room, and they assisted her in getting up and got her to her comfortable chair nearby. She wasn’t hurt at all, in either of these two instances, but she definitely is not as steady on her feet as she used to be, even from just a few shorts months ago. Once she is walking in a straight line, holding onto her walker, she does OK. But turning to the left or right can be problematic now, and her hands are no longer as steady as they used to be. Peg’s falling is a concern because at 80 years old, if you break a hip at that age, it usually doesn’t turn out well.
Both times she fell since being here in the 24/7 Care Centre, she was alone, so we don’t specifically know how it happened. When I was taking care of her, and both of us were awake, she never fell, because I was always right there to help her, to move within our apartment anywhere. Peg did fall three times when she got up in the night, while still at home and I was still sleeping, and I wasn’t aware that she was up. Twice she wasn’t hurt, but the last time at home, she hit her head on something and did have a bruise. Fortunately, after being checked out at the hospital, there was no damage. Twice I needed one of our sons to help getting her up off the floor and once I was able to get her up by myself. Here is the 24/7 Care Centre, they are very capable at assisting her to get up off the floor again. What Peg actually needs is constant supervision when she is awake, and even in a Care Centre, you do not get that. That is the reality and that is what myself and our children have to deal with.
The hardest part for me personally, is leaving her and not having her here at home with me. Bedtime is particularly difficult, because the reality of myself being alone again is so very clear. I always say goodnight to the Lord and to Peg, before closing my eyes and going to sleep. I hate that she is not there with me. One night the Lord reminded me that what Peg and I are experiencing now, is not the way that it will always be. That we have the hope that we have just not received yet, but it will surely come. One glorious day I will see Jesus, face to face, and Peg will be restored and be more than whole, and I shall see and be able to touch her face once again. The Apostle Paul tells us in 1 Thessalonians 4:13-14: “But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers and sisters, about those who are asleep, so that you will not grieve as indeed the rest of mankind do, who have no hope. For if we believe that Jesus died and rose from the dead, so also God will bring with Him those who have fallen asleep through Jesus.” And I do take consolation in that, and it helps. When Paul speaks of those who are asleep, he means those who are not with us anymore. In some ways, Peg is no longer with me, like she was before. And I am aware of what awaits, down the road. That is the part that doesn’t get easier.
Until the next time.
22 August 2026 Update
This will be a short update. I wish I could tell you that it gets a little easier, but it doesn’t, at least not for me. I don’t think it is for Peg either. She is doing alright, all things considered. Peg gets up in the night more frequently now, more than she used to, not that long ago. I try to put myself in her mind set, and it must be so difficult, beyond words. Peg’s a fighter, she doesn’t give up easily, and I can’t help but think this is her way of fighting back. The feeling of helplessness is still there when I am with her, and even when I am away. Every place we used to drive to, even thing in our apartment, reminds me of her. The other night I swear I heard her call my name, and I even answered before I could think not to. I miss her terribly, and she is here, but not the same. That is so hard to wrap your head around, in so many different ways.
Until the next time.
Bruce Cooper is a disciple of Jesus, married to Peggy, with 5 grown up children, 7 grandchildren. He is retired from the Canadian Armed Forces and resides in beautiful Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada. a.k.a. “Papa.” To read more of Bruce’s work visit Reasoned Cases For Christ.
Featured Image by Pavel Danilyuk from pexels.com
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