When crisis comes…

My 81-year-old father lived well with Stage IV prostate cancer—until he didn’t. When he began falling frequently in his two-story home, where he had lived independently for twenty years, my brother and I panicked and rushed to move him to safety. As we did so, we discovered how many gaps there were in the essential information we needed to help him manage his life. We did not have a financial or healthcare power of attorney; there was no will; no access to banking, bills, or accounts. We were grieving, frightened, and scrambling.

In this column, I have often written about how to organize your life and legacy and have pointed you to the workbook and the course social worker Kelly Markham and I have created to help you do so. But I realize that some of you come here desperate for help when a parent or loved one has rapidly declined, and you don’t have the essential information you need. You are in crisis mode, and you are asking, “Where do I start?”

I have gathered resources here to guide you as you begin this difficult process. Feel free to note in the comments any questions you have or resources that have helped you.

Prepare Emotionally and Spiritually

1. Name the emotions and pray.

We often remain unaware about a loved one’s decline until a call comes telling us they have fallen or been in a car accident or are showing signs of dementia. Alternatively, we may begin to observe in person or on phone calls that our loved one is struggling to complete daily tasks.

When we realize our loved one’s vulnerability, we may feel fear, sadness, anger, and/or frustration. It hurts to see the parents who changed our diapers and drove our carpools needing their own diapers or being forced to give up driving.

Lament.

The Bible teaches us how to lament, to cry out to God in sorrow or confusion. God cares for our emotions; lay them out before the one who is “near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18).

Pray for help.

Pray that God would guide you to kind, wise, and skillful helpers— health care workers, lawyers, assisted living staff, care consultants, home care sitters, adult day care services, friends, and church members.

Pray for compassion.

While you may feel frustrated with your parent’s childlike behavior and/or disorganization, ask the Lord to provide compassion, not condescension. This compassion is crucial as you move into the challenges of caring well for your parent.

2. Deploy community.

Seek out wise counsel from others who have been through difficult situations caring for aging loved ones. Accept help from people who can tend to things you may have less time for, like caring for your pets or home if you must travel to attend to your parents’ needs.

3. Trust God to do the impossible.

Some days things will seem impossible—your parents will refuse to move from independent to assisted living, you won’t be able to find their drivers’ licenses, you’ll be given incorrect passwords to crucial online accounts. In those moments, pray (again), and remember that the Lord who cares for your parents (and you) rules the universe with power and grace. He will provide. (Even if it’s not what you think you need when you need it!)

Move into the Practical Needs

With emotional and spiritual preparation, we can move practically into the difficult situation.

1. Recognize the signs of rapid decline.

Sleeping more hours per day, eating and drinking less, losing the ability to carry out “activities of daily living” are all signs of decline. Frequent falls, increasing hospitalizations, and cognitive decline are also signs that your loved one needs additional help.

Whether others alert us, or we observe these signs, we must pray for the courage to accept reality and move into care.

2. Communicate with family and assign roles to willing parties.

While it is sadly true that some family members will refuse to take part in care, early and frequent communication helps. One family member may be willing to research care options; another may have excellent administrative skills that will help with organizing essential information. (See steps below).

3. Take steps to ensure safety.

Look at hazards such as driving, medication management, fall risks, wandering, stove use, and vulnerability to scams.

One man told me he found a loaded handgun in his father’s unlocked vehicle. His father had believed it was unloaded. Thankfully, his father relinquished the gun with no quarrel.

As you take steps to ensure safety, Professor of Psychology Dr. Alan Castel suggests this wording: “I love you and I’m doing this because it can make your life better in some ways. I know it doesn’t feel comfortable.”1

4. Obtain or find the Durable Power of Attorney.

*As I’ve said before, I am not a lawyer, so this is not legal advice.

Look for or ask for the financial power of attorney, healthcare power of attorney (sometimes called Living Will or Advance Directive), and will.

The Durable Power of Attorney grants someone the legal right to execute affairs on behalf of their loved one. For more information on these documents, see this article: “How to Get Power of Attorney for Elderly Parents.”

If your parents have not yet granted you power of attorney and they still have capacity (mental ability to consent), compassionately explain the way such documents can help you come alongside them. Once they have agreed to grant this power, seek out an eldercare lawyer. (Many have low-cost packages for the durable power of attorney, will, and advance directive.) Local councils on aging can provide recommendations for an eldercare lawyer who can make sure the forms are legitimate.

If your loved one no longer has the mental capacity to grant this power, you will need to seek guardianship or conservatorship. This article walks you through these steps: “Legal Guardianship of an Aging Parent: What You Need to Know.”

5. Gather financial information.

Contact the bank and financial advisor with power of attorney in hand. Gather mail, bills, financial statements (including tax returns), and insurance policies. Look first for unpaid or urgent bills.

Set up online access where possible. This will help you monitor accounts for fraud.

6. Visit the doctor with your loved one.

Ask whether their decline might have a reversible cause such as infection, dehydration, polypharmacy, or depression. If their decline is significant, ask the doctor whether evaluation for hospice or palliative care is in order.

Hospice, which provides an interdisciplinary team of social workers, nurses, physicians, and chaplains, is generally for people whose physician believes their life expectancy to be six months or less. People often wait too long to ask about it. For more on hospice, see this link to Medicare and this article: https://resources.amedisys.com/signs-time-for-hospice.

7. Research additional care options.

Do your parents need more assistance? Will this assistance require in-home care or a move? What are the living possibilities that will be best for all and financially feasible? Because of the vast number of aging Baby Boomers, services to help you find the right care options have popped up everywhere.

8. Begin to gather essential documents.

Ideally, place them in a binder which can then be secured in a fireproof safe. If you are tech-savvy, also consider creating an online, password-protected, digital binder. For more help with this, my free Life and Legacy Starter Guide e-book2 has an essential documents checklist along with other suggested steps. For more help in this process, check out our Organizing Your Life and Legacy workbook and course.

Take heart!

Finally, take heart! While watching your loved ones decline when they have not prepared may bring grief and frustration, the Lord who died that we may live forever sees your suffering. Keep turning to him as you make the next call, as you search for the next document. He will guide you and comfort you all along the way.

If you enjoyed this article, would you hit the “heart” button below and/or considering sharing it? That helps other people who need these resources to find them! Thanks!

Hi! I’m Elizabeth, and I love walking alongside older adults! I’m a writer, speaker, and coach who helps people navigate the issues of aging, caregiving, legacy, grief, and end-of-life. I wrote Preparing for Glory: Biblical Answers to 40 Questions about Living & Dying in Hope of Heaven and several devotionals. Every month, I send out an email with free and paid resources for aging graciously. If you’d like to get this email on the first of the month, sign up here: http://eepurl.com/b__teX.

1 Alia Dastagir, “Aging Parents Present Challenges for Children,” USA Today, July 13, 2021.

Dr. Elizabeth Reynolds Turnage is a gospel life and legacy coach, author, and speaker. She helps people live, prepare, and share their legacy to bring hope to future generations. Elizabeth co-founded the Numbering Your Days Network to share gospel encouragement for aging, caregiving, legacy, grief, and end-of-life and wrote Preparing for Glory: Biblical Answers to 40 Questions about Living and Dying in the Hope of Heaven. Elizabeth and her husband Kip enjoy feasting and sharing good stories with their large family of four adult children, four children-in-law, and six young grandchildren. Learn more at www.elizabethturnage.com

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