The answer to our troubles is closer than we think
Ben and Vicky Aposaca first met on a wedding dance floor. Eighteen months later, they danced at their own reception. They were happily married 48 years before her four-year fight with breast cancer. They thought she’d won the battle after a mastectomy. Together, they still hoped for a fighting chance after the cancer spread to her lymph glands. But they were wrong. Doctors found cancer in her torso, her bones and finally her brain. Vicky slowly and painfully lost her life.
Following her funeral, family and friends gathered at their home. Walking by the kitchen table, Ben found a handwritten poem on simple notebook paper that someone left behind.
What’s wrong with me, Lord?
Week after week
I begged you to take them.
In agony
I wept and waited while they grappled with insidious pain.
I watched the gradual decline
Of their once strong and lovely body.
I saw their lines of weariness,
Their constant discomfort.
I listened to their broken sobs,
As they pleaded for release.
I felt the pressure
Of their trembling fingers
When the gripping pain intensified.
I sensed their growing weakness,
Their deep depression
Through sleepless nights.
I listened to their labored breathing.
In the darkness
I cried to you Over and over I cried . . .
Then yesterday morning, Lord,
At the first streak of dawn
You answered my prayer.
Gently you took them to yourself
You rewarded my prayer and them with fullness of joy.
Thank you, Lord.
Yet, even while I thank you.
I wish I could have kept them
Just one more day.
What’s wrong with me?
It was unsigned. To this day, nobody has taken credit for the words that reflect the terrible conflict Ben felt in the last years of Vicky’s life – wanting her to live yet wanting death to end her misery. Ben later said, “The poem was really beautiful. It was how I felt.”[1]
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve read this over the years, but it still gets to me. My eyes tear up and there’s this giant lump in my throat. With excruciating honesty, these words walk us through the highs and lows of life. And every time we experience this, we ask the same question that Ben did. “What’s wrong with me, Lord?”
If anyone understood this, it was Job. He goes through 37 chapters of big ups and huge downs. After starting on the top, Job’s brough low. Really low. Really, really low. God then speaks in chapters 38 – 41. The Lord God asks, “Where were you…” and then lists off all sorts of great things that only God is responsible for. Job is humbled and repents in a way that we can learn a lot from.
I had heard reports about you, but now my eyes have seen you.
Job 42:5
Job’s relationship with God grows by leaps and bounds. He had this connection with God, but it was what he heard. It was based more on information. Now, through the pain and lost years of life, Job has a deep and personal relationship that comes through revelation.
And how did that happen? Through his ups and downs with God. When we ask, “What’s wrong with me, Lord?”, we’re moving towards Him. It’s time to ask ourselves, “What’s wrong with me, Lord?” and mean it.
Someone to Blame
While we can’t seem to settle on anything else, we can all agree on this one truth. Someone is to blame. There’s someone out there that’s making our lives a living hell. Why else would there be so many ads for aggressive attorneys to attack those evil people. To get back what was taken. To make them pay. To make us whole again.
When we list all our troubles, pains, sorrows, and fears, the truth is that most of them come from somewhere else. Outside of us. And the only way they get under our skin is when we let them in. If we don’t open the door, they’re like that great Bible promise, “and it came to pass.”
But our natural reaction to trouble in this life is like making wine.
- We personally pick problems and bring them into our lives,
- We personally crush them, making them “bleed” all over our life.
- We personally let it ferment over time and into our life.
- We personally store it in bottles for our future consumption.
- We personally bring it out to savor again and again.
When it comes to troubles in this life, we can’t make up our minds. We don’t want them, but then desperately want to control them. Once we open the flood gates and let it in, we go on an all-out crusade. No mountain is too high, no river too wide, keeping us from anxiously trying to handle everything.
Our leaders, culture, and technology preach that we’ll be able to handle and solve all our problems when we have something more. An unknown shortcut or hack. Something new. Something better. And it’s just around the corner with the next release of software. One more podcast. One more seminar. One more purchase of the “new and improved” version.
I Can Get No Satisfaction
The painful truth is that we’re never satisfied. We might initially hand it over to God but then grab it back. We’ll let God deal with it for a while until we can’t take it anymore. We’re faithful until we aren’t. We’re happy and patient with God’s purpose and timing until He doesn’t fix it the way we want. When we want.
As we flop-flop between handling everything and then letting God be God, we experience spiritual whiplash. We’re pushed and pulled. This way and that. The ground beneath our feet starts to shift as we lose our balance. Lose our confidence and self-assurance.
Somewhere in this back-and-forth process we come to the end of ourselves. We’ll look to heaven and cry out, “What’s wrong with me, Lord?”
When we finally arrive in the land of “What’s wrong with me, Lord?”, we’re at the place and time where we’re ready to let God be God. When we’ve thrown up our hands in utter despair and frustration, there are three specific things that God wants us to do when troubles come and one practical experience.
Commit your way to the LORD, Trust also in Him, and He will do it.
Psalm 37:5
Commit your works to the LORD And your plans will be established.
Proverbs 16:3
This is how the Lord of the universe wants you and me to live with and through our painful problems that are coming like a freight train.
Roll – Commit
When we’re commanded to commit to the Lord, we’re to roll ourselves and everything that we are to Him. There’s nothing accidental about this rolling either. It’s purposefully pushing away and releasing into His hands. Into His care. It takes aiming and energy. If you’ve ever tried to bowl without letting go of the ball, you have some idea of the pain involved of not rolling our problems to God. When Thomas says “My Lord and my God” to Jesus (see John 20:2), he’s rolling his everything into the waiting arms of Jesus.
Road – Your Way
The first thing we roll to God is our way. Our road. The path we’re on. The direction and trajectory of our life. We need to roll and release control the highway of our life to the Lord. Letting Him change the goals, destination, and timing of our life. This is exactly what Jesus meant when He said “go and sell all you possess and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow Me” to the Rich Young Ruler (see Mark 10:21). The promise of God for that Rich Young Ruler, and for us, is that God would never fail in doing His part. But there’s another area of life that we must commit.
Results – Your Works
While we’re walking down the way of this life, we’re working. We’re creating. We’re producing things to be used and shared with family, friends, and in the marketplace. It’s been this way since God charged Adam “to work it and watch over it” (see Genesis 2:15). Whatever comes from our work must be committed and rolled to God. And while we work with devotion and diligence, it is God who establishes our way. It’s He that makes our plans solid, bringing them to completion.
Roller Coaster
Everyone, and I mean everyone, who’s walked in faith has experienced a roller coaster with God. There have been moments on the mountaintop when it seemed like the rain clouds melted away to reveal a bright double-rainbow. And then there are times where the ground under your feet just gave way. You’ve seen both great vistas and also the deep dark dread of falling into the valley of the shadow of death.
And as we walk through this life with The Lord, we can go from soaring high in the heavenlies to swimming in the sewer. Once our head stops spinning, we look around and try to make sense of it all. We take a deep breath and either shout out loud or mutter to ourselves, “What’s wrong with me, Lord?”
It’s at times like this that we can rest in Jesus because He’s not only experienced all the same stuff we have, but He lived through it successfully without sin. Our response is to boldly walk towards Jesus to receive His grace and help (see Hebrews 4:14-16).
Today is the day to take the first step. Next time you say, “What’s wrong with me, Lord?”, remember that He welcomes this cry for His forgiveness, mercy and power to live for Him. This is when we must turn to God the Father and pray just like Jesus; “not my will, but yours, be done” (see Luke 22:42). It might be the most important and powerful prayer you’ve ever breathed.
[1] The Pueblo Chieftain, Widower Searches For Mystery Poet, Karen Vigil
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