I realize that not all of you are grandparents, but my guess is you might be one someday, or you know someone who is. (Also, if you aren’t a grandparent, look around you at church or in the neighborhood or at work—you may see someone who needs you to be a surrogate grandparent!) Please pass this along if you think there is wisdom here.
Note: The specific examples in this article come from our brief experience with grandparenting, and I realize we’re still very new to this. I welcome your insights, and for you grandparents of older grandchildren, please adjust my examples to their age and stage.
When we learned that we would become grandparents to three babies in 2022, we were thrilled. We had heard that being a grandparent was one of the few experiences in life that lives up to its hype. And now, with six grandchildren aged four and under, we would agree, grandparenting is great.
As great as being a grandparent is, we want to be gracious grandparents, grandparents who support our adult children in the challenges of raising young children. We had seen the memes with sayings like “Grandparents are like parents, only with double the sugar and half the discipline,” or “Grandparents: experts at giving advice they never followed themselves.” We don’t want to be those grandparents.
Jesus speaks to what love doesn’t look like when talking about the Pharisees: “They tie up heavy, cumbersome loads and put them on other people’s shoulders, but they themselves are not willing to lift a finger to move them” (Matthew 23:4). While Jesus was talking about spiritual leaders here, we as grandparents can heed the warning. We don’t want to place heavy burdens of expectation, privilege, or criticism on our children as they learn how to parent their children.
At times, our adult children may ask for our wisdom, and when safety is at stake, we may need to speak up. But most of the time our calling is not to correct. Our calling is to listen, encourage, pray, and serve in ways that support our adult children.
Heavy Burdens
Heavy burdens regarding babies and toddlers might sound like this:
- “I let the baby sleep all afternoon because she was so tired.” (When the parents specifically asked you to wake the baby after two hours.)
- “When you were a baby, we just let you cry it out.”
- “You have it so easy as a parent…you have all these fancy nursery monitors and strollers and car seats that we never had.”
- “Why don’t you just quit work to stay at home with the baby?”
- “When you were a baby, you slept through the night by six weeks.”
- “When you were little, you didn’t have to ride in a car seat after you were a year old.”
- “Why does he have to eat solid food when he’s only seven months old? You ate baby food from a jar when you were that age.”In short, when we criticize our children’s choices about how they raise their children, ignore their wishes about anything from food to screen time to sleep, compare our parenting experience or style with theirs negatively, undermine their authority, or disrespect their wishes, we lay heavy burdens on our children. Doing so sadly harms rather than helps our children and grandchildren.
Remembering Humbles Us
To help us live with humility as grandparents, we must ask God to help us remember our struggles as parents of young children:
- Remember how it felt to breastfeed a baby, wondering if he was getting enough nutrition, worrying about his weight gain.
- Remember how desperately you craved a four-hour stretch of sleep.
- Remember what it was like to have to work overtime to pay for a surgery to relieve recurrent ear infections.
- Remember what it was like to try to get a toddler who only liked mashed potatoes to eat a balanced meal.
- Remember when the toddler threw up during the night and you had an important client meeting the next morning.
- Remember what it was like to do laundry all day long but never get it folded.
- Remember what it was like when a meeting ran late at work and you got stuck in traffic trying to get to daycare to pick up your child.
Yes, let’s remember these things, and so many more. For when we do, our hearts will ache for our adult children, and we will more easily swallow our certainty that we know exactly how to handle their current parenting challenges.
Validating and Helping
When we remember, we will say things like this:
- “I’m sorry you didn’t sleep. Would you like me to come keep her today so you can get a nap?”
- “I’m sorry she threw up and can’t go to daycare. I’ll be glad to babysit her so you can make that important meeting.”
- “I’m sorry you are so tired. Why don’t I send you a meal so you don’t have to cook tonight?”
- “Don’t worry if the laundry never gets folded. It’s impossible with a toddler and a newborn. I promise you that one day some normalcy will return.”
- “I will come fold the laundry and cook you some meals to put in the freezer.”
- “I know it seems like they’ll never sleep through the night, but you are doing such a good job, and I promise you they will.”
- “I’m just impressed that you made it to church at all with three little ones. Who cares if the toddler doesn’t have socks?”
- “I remember how stressful it was when you only liked mashed potatoes. But you do eat healthy meals now!”
- “I am praying now and will keep praying for [fill in the blank with the current struggle].”
Praying
And you will pray. You will pray things like,
- “Lord, show me how to encourage my adult children and build them up as they raise their children, my grandchildren.”
- “Help me, Lord, to come alongside my adult children as they discipline their children.”
- “Help me, Lord, to humble myself, to recognize that I don’t know everything about the pressures of raising children today.”
- “Help me, Lord, to have the strength I need to keep my young grandchildren so our adult children can have a much-needed break.”
- “Help us all, dear Lord, to know how deeply you love us, and how deeply you love these children. Remind us that you created them and you love them far more than we do. Help us to depend on you, Lord, for all of the provision and protection they need. Help us, dear Lord, to know how fully forgiven we are for the ways we fail our children and grandchildren. And help us to stay focused on the most important thing, that we all know you and worship you, as Lord and Savior. Amen.”When we pray such prayers, we can trust that the Lord who provides for the lilies of the field and the birds of the air will indeed listen and respond. He will grow us all, grandchildren, adult children, and grandparents, into the likeness of his Son, day by day, year by year.
As he grows us, we are living the legacy we want to leave as grandparents. Our grandchildren are watching us as we engage their parents, and they learn from how we respond, pray, forgive, and serve. Supporting our adult children makes a powerful impression on our grandchildren!
I’d love to hear your thoughts. What has helped you become a gracious grandparent? What kind of support meant (or means, if you are in this stage) the most to you when you were raising young children?
Books by Dr. Elizabeth Reynolds Turnage:
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